On Infertility, Trivia and Toucans

There's something I haven't talked about on yet social media:  infertility. 

But I think I'd like to. This IS part of my life, even if I resent it. And I've seen so much beauty come from it-- in the way people have supported us and the Lord has taught us and we've grown as a couple-- many good things are coming from one terrible thing.

And the more I share this with others, the more I've been able to be a blessing to people. And people have been HUGE blessings to us in return. 

So, I guess now I'm off to try sharing in the social media world and connecting with other infertile social medialites. It's going to be an adventure. :) I hope you journey through it with me!

My husband's family has the gift of making the most incredibly beautiful children ever. Seriously though. Each and every one of my nieces and nephews are crazy adorable. It's unfair to the rest of society. So if you stick with us, and (fingers crossed!) all goes well in the end, then I promise something super cute is coming. :)

Here's a journal entry from this summer. It explains everything. 

July 11, 2015

I found a toucan on my nightstand yesterday. 

This was no ordinary toucan-- it was a toucan of hope, of promises, of God's goodness. It was a toucan of grace.

These silly birds are one of my favorite animals but I've noticed over the years that it's not often you'll find a stuffed animal depicting the jungle aviators. More often than not, people desire stuffed bears, cats, monkeys or dogs. Then, last Tuesday as we gathered with friends at a nearby bar for our weekly trivia game, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A stuffed animal game machine and in the corner was a tiny, bright-yellow-beaked toucan! He was small and a little chubby and just so super cute.

My mind immediately began racing through visions of the happy child who would eventually win the bird. From there, my brain began producing images of our future children. And I'm sure, sweet journal, you know what happened next. What if I won that little toucan and was able to give it to our baby one day? It's small enough to fit in a diaper bag and we could take it anywhere. And I love the bright yellow beak-- it's my favorite color on my favorite animal. The next thing I knew, I was lost in daydreams of having babies with Dan and that little toy bird was the common factor in all of them. 

It became a vision of hope. If there were indeed stuffed animal toucans in the world and I happened across one here at a bar of all places, then surely there is hope for other things in our life as well. Like children.

I had to win that toucan.

I kept my eye on it all evening, counting down the trivia questions (Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals! Jupiter is the planet with the shortest day!) until it was at last time to leave. After saying our goodbyes, Dan and I went to his car to get coins and then sneaked back into the bar towards the machine. (Yes, sneaked, because we wanted to avoid the moment we told the hostess, Don't worry about seating us; we're just here to get a toucan.)

We dropped our fifty cents into the box, moved the claw into position and let it drop. A few seconds later it returned to its starting position, toucanless. I was crushed. This was supposed to be my symbol of hope. This was supposed to come easy-- God always promises hope and he was surely trying to use this bird to prove his promises are trustworthy.

My husband tried next to no avail and it was very clear to see that because of the way it was positioned, this toucan was not budging. No sense in wasting more quarters. We were only going to fail.

Crestfallen, we walked back to the car. My husband drove in silence as I held his hand and cried the whole way home, believing in the worst parts of my heart that our situation was definitely, in fact, hopeless. 

A few days later, my husband and I were hanging out in the living room and I needed to pick up something from our bedroom. It was a nothing moment-- nothing special and nothing expected. As soon as I walk into the bedroom, I discover a cheerful, stuffed toucan perched on my nightstand, a letter laying across his feet. Inside the note, Dan's messy handwriting greeted me with these words at its core:

"Let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith."  I don't know what the Lord's purpose is for us in this season as we struggle through this, but just like Christ, we can set our eyes on what lies before us and endure the worst of it for God's glory and our good. 

Somehow, in a way that was unseen and completely out of my control, the toucan of hope found its way to us. It's not the exact same toucan I had envisioned-- this one was much larger and had a beak of orange instead of yellow. I didn't obtain this bird in the way I had originally planned-- he didn't come easy and I had to wait, creating much sorrow and, to my shame, much doubt in God. 

But somehow deep down I just knew the Lord was using that toucan to remind me of the hope there is in his promises and that's exactly what he did. He reminded me that hope is not my own design but his, and his ways are higher than my ways. He reminded me that while there may be struggles, his character is unchanging, his love steadfast and unfailing. And he reminded me that while things may look different in the end than I originally envisioned, he works all things for my good and his holy purposes.

I haven't moved the toucan off my nightstand just yet. I like spying him there when I first wake up and when I lie back down again at night. It helps me start and end my day with hope, with the promise that I don't have to rely on my own strength today but on God's.

And with that truth, I've already been given all the "toucans" I could ever possibly desire or need through the fulfilled work of my amazing and loving Savior. 

(Click to enlarge)

I'm excited to journey through this season with you, sweet readers. THANK YOU to everyone who has and still are supporting us, loving us, and encouraging us. People truly have beautiful hearts. :) :)

Agape, 

Carrie