On Infertility, Trivia and Toucans

There's something I haven't talked about on yet social media:  infertility. 

But I think I'd like to. This IS part of my life, even if I resent it. And I've seen so much beauty come from it-- in the way people have supported us and the Lord has taught us and we've grown as a couple-- many good things are coming from one terrible thing.

And the more I share this with others, the more I've been able to be a blessing to people. And people have been HUGE blessings to us in return. 

So, I guess now I'm off to try sharing in the social media world and connecting with other infertile social medialites. It's going to be an adventure. :) I hope you journey through it with me!

My husband's family has the gift of making the most incredibly beautiful children ever. Seriously though. Each and every one of my nieces and nephews are crazy adorable. It's unfair to the rest of society. So if you stick with us, and (fingers crossed!) all goes well in the end, then I promise something super cute is coming. :)

Here's a journal entry from this summer. It explains everything. 

July 11, 2015

I found a toucan on my nightstand yesterday. 

This was no ordinary toucan-- it was a toucan of hope, of promises, of God's goodness. It was a toucan of grace.

These silly birds are one of my favorite animals but I've noticed over the years that it's not often you'll find a stuffed animal depicting the jungle aviators. More often than not, people desire stuffed bears, cats, monkeys or dogs. Then, last Tuesday as we gathered with friends at a nearby bar for our weekly trivia game, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A stuffed animal game machine and in the corner was a tiny, bright-yellow-beaked toucan! He was small and a little chubby and just so super cute.

My mind immediately began racing through visions of the happy child who would eventually win the bird. From there, my brain began producing images of our future children. And I'm sure, sweet journal, you know what happened next. What if I won that little toucan and was able to give it to our baby one day? It's small enough to fit in a diaper bag and we could take it anywhere. And I love the bright yellow beak-- it's my favorite color on my favorite animal. The next thing I knew, I was lost in daydreams of having babies with Dan and that little toy bird was the common factor in all of them. 

It became a vision of hope. If there were indeed stuffed animal toucans in the world and I happened across one here at a bar of all places, then surely there is hope for other things in our life as well. Like children.

I had to win that toucan.

I kept my eye on it all evening, counting down the trivia questions (Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals! Jupiter is the planet with the shortest day!) until it was at last time to leave. After saying our goodbyes, Dan and I went to his car to get coins and then sneaked back into the bar towards the machine. (Yes, sneaked, because we wanted to avoid the moment we told the hostess, Don't worry about seating us; we're just here to get a toucan.)

We dropped our fifty cents into the box, moved the claw into position and let it drop. A few seconds later it returned to its starting position, toucanless. I was crushed. This was supposed to be my symbol of hope. This was supposed to come easy-- God always promises hope and he was surely trying to use this bird to prove his promises are trustworthy.

My husband tried next to no avail and it was very clear to see that because of the way it was positioned, this toucan was not budging. No sense in wasting more quarters. We were only going to fail.

Crestfallen, we walked back to the car. My husband drove in silence as I held his hand and cried the whole way home, believing in the worst parts of my heart that our situation was definitely, in fact, hopeless. 

A few days later, my husband and I were hanging out in the living room and I needed to pick up something from our bedroom. It was a nothing moment-- nothing special and nothing expected. As soon as I walk into the bedroom, I discover a cheerful, stuffed toucan perched on my nightstand, a letter laying across his feet. Inside the note, Dan's messy handwriting greeted me with these words at its core:

"Let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith."  I don't know what the Lord's purpose is for us in this season as we struggle through this, but just like Christ, we can set our eyes on what lies before us and endure the worst of it for God's glory and our good. 

Somehow, in a way that was unseen and completely out of my control, the toucan of hope found its way to us. It's not the exact same toucan I had envisioned-- this one was much larger and had a beak of orange instead of yellow. I didn't obtain this bird in the way I had originally planned-- he didn't come easy and I had to wait, creating much sorrow and, to my shame, much doubt in God. 

But somehow deep down I just knew the Lord was using that toucan to remind me of the hope there is in his promises and that's exactly what he did. He reminded me that hope is not my own design but his, and his ways are higher than my ways. He reminded me that while there may be struggles, his character is unchanging, his love steadfast and unfailing. And he reminded me that while things may look different in the end than I originally envisioned, he works all things for my good and his holy purposes.

I haven't moved the toucan off my nightstand just yet. I like spying him there when I first wake up and when I lie back down again at night. It helps me start and end my day with hope, with the promise that I don't have to rely on my own strength today but on God's.

And with that truth, I've already been given all the "toucans" I could ever possibly desire or need through the fulfilled work of my amazing and loving Savior. 

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I'm excited to journey through this season with you, sweet readers. THANK YOU to everyone who has and still are supporting us, loving us, and encouraging us. People truly have beautiful hearts. :) :)

Agape, 

Carrie

An Engagement Story

❤❤ This past weekend, I had the extreme pleasure of visiting one of my best friends from college, Riley, in Washington D.C. where she currently lives... and being there for her engagement! It was so marvelous! Two other friends from college were also there, and when our soon-to-be engaged friend went to the airport believing she was picking up her boyfriend, she met us instead. Oh, her face was priceless! She began hugging us, half smiling, almost crying, all while shouting "It is happening today, isn't it?! It is, it is!"

Although the actual moment of getting engaged was not a surprise, the day of it was indeed and we spent the rest of the afternoon preparing. Going to lunch (on her boyfriend! Thanks, Aaron!) at the place where they had their first date, getting our nails done, picking out a new outfit, and just enjoying one another and showing our friend how loved she is.

I had the joy of sneaking up on the couple during the actual proposal (ok, I tried to be sneaky but there was just nowhere to hide. I stayed far away at least...). I feel so honored to have been able to watch this moment, let alone capture it on film, and I wanted to share the product with you.

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I think the best part of the whole experience was that while watching the proposal, all the emotions I felt during my own engagement came flooding back. Mostly the deep anticipation for the wedding to come and the overwhelming feeling of being unconditionally loved. And my dear friend Riley got to experience these emotions all day long while we prepared together.

I just kept thinking about what a beautiful picture this is of Christ and his Bride. And how the entirety of our lives will be spent in deep anticipation, awaiting the day we meet our Savior face to face. And through the waiting and yearning and longing, we can rest knowing that we are overwhelmingly, unconditionally loved.

Oh, how loved we are indeed!

Just as we did with Riley that afternoon, let us spend the rest of our days preparing, for we never know when the King will emerge from the shadows and calls us back home. ❤❤

Agape,
CC

A Penny for Your Thoughts

When I was in high school, I started collecting pennies. These were not pennies I bought or traded for, they were pennies I found. On the ground. Heads up, tails up, it didn't matter and I didn't discriminate against the little copper coins. I just scooped them up... ignoring the OCD in me screaming about germs... and said a prayer over the penny for my future husband.

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Did I know him when I was seventeen and began collecting my prayer pennies? Of course not. But I prayed anyway over every little penny I found. All throughout the remainder of my high school days and into the college ones, through first jobs and internships and mission trips and moving into my first house with some girlfriends-- you'd be amazed at how many pennies you'll find if you keep an eye out.

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I even spread this habit on to some of my college friends, and soon we began bartering over who found the penny first and would get to keep it. We'd sneakily drop pennies around each other's cars and in each other's bedrooms when someone needed a little cheering up. One housemate even left a penny with a friend in Rome she met over a spring break trip who then bestowed the penny to me when I visited the following summer.

A few fellow penny-praying ladies. :)
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But it is amazing how the Lord can use something so little, something that literally costs one cent to do so many incredible things. 

When I first began praying over the pennies, I desperately prayed that my husband would believe in Jesus as God and Savior like I did. I knew this conviction of mine was too strong and took over too much of my life to ever marry someone who didn't share the same beliefs, so I prayed and prayed for this future husband of mine to meet the Lord... until sophomore year of college when I suddenly realized that I wasn't praying that anymore. Instead I was praying that my husband would grow in Christ and continue to strengthen his faith. And a few months into dating, Dan told me that he wasn't really a Christian growing up... but became one our sophomore year of college. 

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A year before on Halloween, I was bombarded with pennies all day long. I found them next to the laundry machine and in the street and in front of my dorm room. Thirty pennies total in just one day. I told this to Dan when we were married and he knew exactly which Halloween I was speaking of. He said it was a night he needed prayer desperately, all the while having no idea that across campus, a girl he'd never seen was covering him with prayer throughout the entire day.

I prayed a lot that my husband would be a good dancer, or would at least be willing to attempt for me. I just adore dancing, especially swing dancing. And where were my husband and I when we first hung out together? Surrounded by friends at a swing dance uptown. And what were we doing when he asked me to marry him? Swing dancing. And what does he still interrupt my dish-washing to do with him in the middle of the kitchen? You guessed it... :)

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But the coolest prayer penny story of all is our second date. We were at a conference in Indianapolis and took one night to ourselves to grab Starbucks and explore the city. It was Christmastime, and in the middle of downtown was a soaring statue illuminated with lights to resemble a Christmas tree. In true Dan and Carrie fashion... We decided to climb it. We stopped to talked when we reached the highest possible climbing point, and looking at the ground I spotted a penny. And then another. And then another and another and another. Then the realization hit me: with the water missing for the winter, we unknowingly climbed into the fountain.

We. Were. Surrounded. By pennies. It was as if the ground below were made of them, a copper floor shimmering up at two smitten college seniors, the girl laughing at the irony of it all.

I slowly began to fall in love with pennies. They became a symbol of commitment, a metaphor for growing old with someone and knowing them inside and out. Pennies meant love. And every time I found one, I felt love-- from this unknown future man and from my great and ever-present God. On my wedding day, I wore a handmade anklet composed of four pennies: one old, one new, one I borrowed (and haven't given back yet...) and one painted blue. On our first anniversary, my husband bought me this necklace with scripture on the front made from a penny. I adore pennies now. They mean more than just prayers. Then remind me of something much, much greater. 

Something Old, Something New...
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I have a father who is just as quirky as I am, and when I was a little girl, he would throw pennies out the car window. (I know, so not environmentally friendly, I know, I know). We'd go shopping, he'd sort through the spare change, wait until we were driving fast, then chuck it out into the breeze. He said one day an archaeologist would find them and imagine crazy things about the culture that made tiny copper pictures of an old man.

The little girl in me LOVED this. I loved thinking about those pennies being dug up. So imagine in high school when suddenly I was the one collecting the thrown-out pennies. Without even realizing it, my father was leading me to prepare for my future marriage, just as my Heavenly Father was preparing me for it. And when my father walked me down the aisle and passed me on to Dan, when my loving, caring, compassionate, amazing father let go of my hands and put them in his, he undoubtedly had a huge part in crafting me for that moment,  in raising me as a future wife and preparing me to be let go of. He was simply mirroring my God in Heaven and the work he had done in both Dan and I for marriage. 

He would NOT stop looking at me!... I loved it :)
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On the night of our rehearsal dinner, I placed the jar of pennies in my fiance's grasp, telling him, "These are all the ways I took care of you before you even knew me." I told him of all the prayers I said for him and all the ways these little copper coins have slowly made me fall more in love with him over the years. That jar currently sits on the dresser in our bedroom, and my husband tells me constantly of how grateful and loved he feels by the priceless gift.

Dan would never forgive me if I posted wedding pictures
without sharing this one. He's pretty proud of it, haha!
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But I think the gift was really mine, because while I pursued my husband in prayer throughout the years, I was reminded of a good and loving God who is always pursuing me. How he sent his only Son to come on my behalf, who now spends his days interceding for me, abiding with me, and praying for me. He will never leave me or forsake me. It is the marriage no divorce can break, no separation can sever.

And unlike my husband who is beautiful yet human, my God's love will never fail me. 

Ever.

And he is waiting for the day to take me by the hand and whisper, These are all the ways I took care of you before you even knew me.

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This blog is just my hobby-- nothing I'm trying to promote or turn into a business-- so I'd normally never ask you to share posts. But this tradition is so near and dear to my heart, if you know any single girl who may enjoy it, please share! I would LOVE for other women to get the same joy from it as I did! :)

Happy late Valentine's Day, sweet readers. Remember the one who's great love will never fail us.  :)

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Agape,
CC

PS-- Check out my AMAZING wedding photographer, La Vita Photo! She was so much fun to work with and her pictures are stunning!! Thanks, Victoria :)

16 Things I've Learned Since Being Married

After our recent anniversary, I've been reflecting a lot on the past two years. Here are a few things I've learned. Enjoy!! :)

16 Things I've Learned Since Being Married:

1. How much boys shed:

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How much girls shed:

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2. My new version of 'killing' spiders is trapping them under cups and waiting until my husband can come home and kill them.

3. You can have a perfect date night with two bowls of ice cream and a hundred awesome YouTube videos... Like this one here. Or this one here.

4. How warm girls like the house to be:

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How warm boys like the house to be:

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5. No longer an acceptable dinner:

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Acceptable only under the clause "We're poor" / "I want an easy dinner" / "I'm running a marathon tomorrow":

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ALWAYS ACCEPTABLE:

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6. Snooze buttons are SO much more tempting when there's snuggling involved.

7. If your husband is snoozing on the couch and will not come to bed, just go to the kitchen and start yelling "Cockroach, cockroach, cockroach!" He'll get up. :)

8. Instant mood-setter

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Instant mood-killer

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9. You don't need a security system when you're newlywed and poor. (Seriously, we left these signs up when we went home over summer break):

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10. The absolute meanest thing you can do to another person... is rub against a mosquito bite they didn't know they had...

11. Living with an manual car parked in your driveway everyday does not mean you'll learn how to drive stick. (I've really got to get on that!)


12. Dinners of the week:

SATURDAY:

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SUNDAY:

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MONDAY:

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TUESDAY / WEDNESDAY / THURSDAY:

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FRIDAY:

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13. Babysitting used to feel like, "Oh, this will be fun for a few hours!" Now if feels like, "Oh nooo these days are coming for me!!"

14. My desk:

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His desk:

To his credit, it doesn't normally look like this.
We were renovating this summer and I think
his desk area just got a little neglected.
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15. This happened one day.... We picked it off the floor and ate it anyway.

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16. Living with and loving your very best friend just very well might be the very best thing in this very hard world. :) I love you so much, Dan, and I could not have dreamed up a better husband! Thanks for letting me tease you a little in this post. I'll try not to hog all the sheets tonight to make up for it. :)

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Hope you enjoyed this!
Agape, 
CC

2 Years on Tuesday Woot Woot Woot!

Dan and I have been married for two years!! Woot woot. 9-10-11 was the big day and it's been a big adventure ever since. Some days are hard, some days are beautiful, and every day is a chance to grow closer to each other and closer to Christ. 

We kept our anniversary date simple but silly, and have officially created two traditions: ending our anniversary with a slow dance in the kitchen, and making sure to include a super awesome ice-cream sundae somewhere in between. (If you haven't caught on yet, we're a little obsessed with ice-cream...)

So, in honor of continuing this online life-documentary circus, here's some pics. :)

1. I decorated the car...

"JUST MARRIED! (2 years ago but we are still PUMPED!)"
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2. We ate dinner at this charming little Southern place.

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 3. We went to our favorite park!

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4. Ice-cream time!!

Get it, baby!
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Best part of the day...
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Another easy victory for Team Siftar...
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5. The night ends...

Goodnight, park!
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I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED TO GET A FISH!
This is one of those times where you think,
"Aw, he listens!" :):)
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So happy anniversary to you my love, my teammate, my best friend, my husband. Thanks for putting lilies on my desk yesterday morning... along with a cookie. You know me so well! Do you remember as we were checking out on the last morning of our honeymoon? We passed that sweet little sundial with the lovely little inscription: Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be. The best is still yet to be, my love. And our days are already so blessed. :) I love you!

Thanks for sharing such a fun day with me!

Agape, 

CC